What Is the Difference Between Forgiveness and Reconciliation?
Forgiveness and reconciliation are often confused, but the sources emphasize that they are distinct concepts with different requirements and purposes, particularly when viewed through a theological and therapeutic lens. While both are crucial for spiritual and emotional health, understanding their differences is vital for personal healing and maintaining healthy boundaries.
The Non-Negotiable Command of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is presented as an absolute command by God. It is described as God’s prescription for the hurting human heart to heal. Extensive study, totaling over a thousand hours poured over biblical passages related to forgiveness, confirmed its non-negotiable status. Initially, much of this study time (about 75%) was spent searching for a “loophole,” questioning if God truly intended for everything to be forgiven.
A critical insight regarding forgiveness is that it can have very little to do with the other person. While forgiveness can certainly repair a relationship if both parties are involved in conversation, it remains necessary for personal healing even if the relationship is over.
Setting Boundaries: The Meaning of Forgive 70 Times 7
The command from Jesus to forgive “70 times 7” does not imply that a person must remain in close proximity to an offender, allowing them to perpetuate abuse or hurt repeatedly. On the contrary, Jesus’ instruction is interpreted as a call to create enough distance between oneself and the other person. This distance allows an individual to forgive repeatedly—70 times 7—without getting destroyed in the process, even if the offender never changes.
Crucially, forgiveness should never be in the context of enabling bad behavior to continue without any consequence. The act of laying down one’s life, as Jesus commanded, is done to accomplish a high and holy purpose, not to enable harmful actions.
Reconciliation is Conditional
In sharp contrast to forgiveness, reconciliation is very conditional. This conditionality means that the restoration of a relationship depends on far more than just the willingness of the injured party.
The High Cost of Unforgiveness: Physical and Spiritual Dangers
The sources warn severely against holding onto resentment and unforgiveness, noting both spiritual and physical consequences.
Spiritual Harm and the Enemy’s Foothold
Holding resentments is often likened to “you drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick”. For a believer, willfully stating, “I will not forgive you,” is viewed as sinning against that person (violating agape love) and sinning against God.
Unattended anger and unforgiveness also create spiritual vulnerability, allowing the enemy to gain advantage. Ephesians 4:26 states, “In your anger do not sin do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold”. The Bible often connects passages concerning unresolved anger, resentment, and unforgiveness with the enemy being nearby, sometimes described as “crouching at your door” (Genesis 4) or seeking a “foothold” (Ephesians 4). Unforgiveness is metaphorically described as “dropping blood in the ocean and the sharks draw near,” serving as a call for the enemy to come in and have a “heyday”.
The Health Crisis of Unforgiveness
The somatic (body) effects of unforgiveness are highlighted by research. A Duke University study, conducted longitudinally over many years, concluded that unforgiveness was the number one killer in America. This finding was specific to individuals who agreed to the statement, “I will never forgive that person,” regardless of what the offender was doing.
When individuals stuff conflict and emotional hurt inside (“soma”), they may act it out in their bodies, leading to serious health issues, including cardiovascular problems.
Forgiveness as a Daily Process
The sources emphasize that forgiveness is meant to be a daily, active practice. It is a valitional choice followed by a process.
Instruction from Scripture and Prayer
Ephesians 4:26 provides the clear instruction to tend to anger. The verses following instruct believers to:
- “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander along with every form of malice”.
- “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you”.
This daily attention to the heart is corroborated by the Lord’s Prayer. In this essential prayer, which Jesus gave when asked how to pray, significant time is devoted to forgiveness. The fact that Jesus connected the request for “daily bread” with the need for forgiveness and deliverance from the “evil one” suggests that forgiveness should be as much a part of our daily life as eating, breathing, and sleeping.
The daily practice involves two key times:
- Morning: Sweeping the heart clean of any residual malice.
- Evening: Tending well to anything left over in the heart before the sun sets, bringing it before the Lord for help.