now I do want to say that Jim taught me something really important here details are not always helpful we don’t want to go shopping for pain and and if we need a detail then fine ask for it but I found the details just compounded my hurt I didn’t need the full scope but I did need a full disclosure and be honest about what you need disclosed information is so much better than continuously making discoveries of what else happened so that’s step number one to even see if repair as possible and of course at this
step you’re going to start to see there’s two types of people and how they receive this the one type of person is based on their reaction they’re going to be humble they they are obviously probably going to have to process a little shock if it’s Discovery because no one likes to get caught doing something they shouldn’t have done but watching their reaction will determine so much about how this process is going to go from here and if their reaction is that they’re able to self-regulate they are able to not immediately accuse you
of being crazy or blame you or deny it when you have undeniable proof that reaction is crucial so if they’re gentle and humble it’s going to go One Direction and if they’re not that reaction that harsh reaction is going to let you know this may not be likely and I think that’s important to state so the second thing that needs to happen is they need to take responsibility for what they’ve done and obviously if it’s a situation where it’s a compounded um situation like if I’ve also done something and they’ve done
something then a discussion can be had about what you’ve each done but it’s important for the person who has betrayed not to automatically go back in history and pull proof of how you also are not so that’s a quid pro quo that’s a defensiveness one of the four horsemen that gotman found uh of the marital or any intimate relationship killer Rel that’s one of the ones I probably I bet I’ve seen more than anything else so it is okay to make the request can we stick with this topic at hand can we stick with this offense
at hand it may be that we need to talk about other offenses but for the purpose of this discussion let’s stick with this one offense and I think that’s important so will they take responsibility for what they’ve done and then will they seek to understand how this impacted you yeah for me this is one of the most significant parts of repairing broken trust because I need to know that at least you will acknowledge that this wasn’t just about the act of betrayal this is about the fact of what it’s now cost me of what it’s done to me inside
and so a response that I love is I recognize how much this has hurt you and I recognize as a result that you’re going to be hesitant to trust me and I want to say of course you’re going to be hesitant to trust me you know and so when the person is that gentle and really does seek to understand how this impacted you not just what they did but how it affected you is really important um and right along with that acknowledge what this cost you because there’s a cost every time that’s the impact piece the cost is this a $5 debt or is this a
