No More Dysfunction (LIFE Today)

Recovering from a broken relationship or a deep betrayal is one of life’s most difficult journeys. When trust is shattered, it doesn’t just affect your relationship with the person who hurt you; it can lead to skepticism toward everyone, including God. In a recent discussion on Life Today, author Lysa TerKeurst shared her personal story of navigating infidelity and divorce, offering a roadmap for moving from “blind trust” to “wise trust”.

Understanding Blind Trust vs. Wise Trust

Many people in long-term relationships operate out of blind trust, which involves believing the best about someone even when your intuition suggests otherwise. Lysa TerKeurst admits that for nearly 30 years, she chose to “speak life” over her husband and ignore her own natural discernment.

While believing the best is a noble quality, it becomes dangerous when it requires you to override your discernment. Wise trust, on the other hand, is built on a foundation of reality and consistent, trustworthy behavior over time.

Identifying the Red Flags of Broken Trust

Recognizing the signs of a failing relationship often happens in hindsight, but there are specific red flags that indicate trust is being eroded:

• The “Smoke and Fire” Principle: Where there is “smoke” (suspicion or small inconsistencies), there is usually a “fire” (a deeper issue). Even a small flame can burn you if you ignore it.
• Gaslighting: This is a psychological tactic where one person makes the other feel “crazy” by denying their reality. If you are told you didn’t see or hear something that you know you experienced, it is a major red flag.
• Lack of Humility: When confronted with questions, a person who is untrustworthy often becomes verbally defensive or aggressive rather than offering a soft heart or a willingness to comfort your concerns.
• Simmering Resentment: When red flags are ignored, they turn into roots of distrust, leading to resentment—one of the primary killers of modern relationships.

The Formula for Rebuilding Trust

Trust is often described as the “oxygen” of human relationships; without it, the relationship cannot survive. Rebuilding it requires a specific formula: Time + Believable Behavior.

Key distinctions to remember during this process include:

• Mistakes vs. Patterns: A mistake is a one-time event that warrants grace; a repeated pattern of wrongful behavior is a serious cause for concern.
• Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation: In a Christian context, forgiveness is a command from God that we must give. However, reconciliation is conditional. It depends on the other person’s repentance, willingness to change, and the presence of a “soft heart”.

Compassion vs. Enabling: Avoiding Codependency

One of the most difficult boundaries to set is the line between being a compassionate partner and becoming an enabler.

• Codependency: This occurs when you feel you need the other person to be “okay” so that you can feel “okay”.
• The Danger of Enabling: When you buffer someone from the natural consequences of their bad behavior, you may actually be standing in the way of God reaching them.
• The Savior Complex: Lysa TerKeurst notes that while Jesus laid down His life for a holy purpose, He did not do so to enable dysfunction. Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to stop being a “savior” and simply become an observer of the other person’s choices.