I was just having a moment maybe even a little bit of a pity party but um just a real moment of asking God some really hard questions and it was all around the fact that I thought it was incredibly unfair that the person who hurt me the one who left the marriage that I very much wanted to stay together um it just seemed like he was out there living his best life and it was being allowed for him to just continue to on the outside at least look like everything was so yippy skippy fun and I was left at home picking up the pieces of a broken family

I was carrying a really heavy heart not just heaviness for me but also looking at the landscape of my family and because I had a front row to the hurt that my kids had experienced I was seeing the ramifications of of his choices and it was being played out in all of our lives and it was so excruciatingly painful for me and I just remember sitting there and I was watching the tide come in and you know the the waves come in and EB and flow and go out and the because of the tide like the the water was getting closer and closer and

closer and I knew if I don’t get up and I if I don’t move my chair and my bag then everything that I have is going to get wet and if I continue to not move it it’s going to get washed out to see and I remember having this moment where I legitimately said fine wash it all out to sea because I was just at that level of hopelessness and I was overwhelmed with just the feeling of unfairness and that feeling of unfairness was just giving me hit after hit after hit opportunity after opportunity after opportunity for feeling incredibly

bitter and even though I was trying really hard to forgive for the facts of what happened recognizing that trauma is always two parts we’ve talked about this many times fact and impact so forgiveness needs to be two parts fact and impact we can forgive in a moment for the fact of what happened and that meets the requirement by God to forgive and and it’s a command to forgive but the impact part walking through the much longer process of forgiving for all that this cost me you know that’s where it’s going to be quite a process and the

bitterness was rolling in as consistently as that as those waves were rolling in and I was trying so hard to fight it but in that moment on the beach where I just said wash it all away I just thought this is never going to get better it’s always going to hurt this much and it feels so unfair and I don’t understand God I just don’t understand yeah um I think one it’s really important um for us to just acknowledge that everything that you just described is so honest and God welcomes it all yeah you know and and I want to be