Difficult vs. Destructive Relationships

Understanding the difference between a difficult relationship and a destructive relationship is crucial for mental and spiritual health. Many Christian women, in particular, struggle with this distinction, often believing they must endure destructive behavior under the guise of forgiveness and forbearance. However, experts confirm that while all marriages have hard times, a destructive pattern can deplete and destroy you emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes physically.

This guide, based on insights from a licensed clinical social worker and relationship coach, outlines the red flags of destructive behavior, the necessity of setting boundaries, and the importance of seeking wise counsel when facing betrayal and manipulation.

The Critical Difference: Difficult vs. Destructive

All relationships experience difficulties due to external stressors, internal differences, and personality conflicts; these require work to overcome. A destructive relationship, however, has a persistent pattern of harm and lack of repentance.

Key Characteristics of a Destructive Relationship:

• Continuous Harm: The partner continues to harm you, often without caring that they are doing so, and refuses to apologize or take any responsibility for wrongdoing.
• Depletion and Destruction: Staying in the relationship depletes and destroys the individual.
• Contradiction to God’s Values: God values the sanctity of marriage, but He does not value it more than the safety and sanity of the people in that marriage. Asking a woman to lie and pretend to keep a destructive marriage intact does not honor God.

5 Red Flags Signaling a Destructive Marriage

Women often lack the words to describe what they feel but recognize the deep spiritual and emotional distress caused by destructive patterns. Five key red flags identify a destructive reality:

1. Fear and Lack of Safety: You feel scared in your marriage, whether for physical safety or emotional safety. This includes feeling attacked all the time, confused, gaslit, or scared to bring up issues, say no, or make your own decisions.
2. Control: You feel controlled, needing to ask permission like a child asks a parent to make grown-up decisions. Examples of control include being forbidden to cut your hair or being prevented from caring for a dying loved one because it would inconvenience the spouse. This is a fundamental misdefinition of submission and marriage. Control can also involve threats about the ramifications of telling anyone about the situation.
3. Confusion (Gaslighting): You are regularly confused or made to feel “nutty inside” because the destructive partner denies agreements you both made (e.g., regarding late hours or financial transparency). They may flip the script, claiming you are the problem for having “crazy thoughts” or for being “ridiculous”.
4. Deception and Broken Trust: You are regularly or continually deceived, or the partner is telling lies, covering up things, or misleading you. Trust is essential; the biblical ideal is that a spouse trusts their partner to do them good, not harm.
5. Devaluation: Your feelings, needs, opinions, and goals don’t matter. You become an object there to serve the partner’s agenda, rather than a person to love.

The Danger of Secrets and Isolation

A core tactic of a destructive person is isolation. They demand secrecy, often by threatening abandonment or betrayal if the victim speaks out.

• Secrets Destroy: Unhealthy, destructive secrets destroy relationships. The fear of being betrayed by the destructive person causes the victim to live with a “secret sorrow”.
• Impact on the Body: Carrying this secret trauma for a long time takes a real toll on the body, leading to physical and emotional breakdowns. This trauma is not just something that happens to you; it happens in you.
• The Power of Wise Counsel: The Bible advises believers to surround themselves with wise advisors to help discern truth and avoid being “bamboozled” by the flattery of the enemy. Sharing what happened with a trusted friend and asking, “Is this normal?” helps the victim gauge their reality, especially if they grew up in a dysfunctional family.

Confronting Suspicions: Curiosity, Not Accusation

When a woman suspects destructive behavior (such as viewing pornography, having an affair, or hiding money), she faces angst about confronting her spouse without proof.

• The Role of the Holy Spirit: The Holy Spirit may prompt the victim to “go look” or investigate, giving a spiritual check that something is wrong.
• Smelling Smoke: If you are smelling smoke, “there is a fire,” even if you cannot yet find the source. Women often have good gut instincts.
• Seeking Clarity: The best approach is to lead with “I have a problem, not you have a problem,” and be “curious, not furious”. For example, “I’m feeling anxious about our finances; it would help me if I could look at our checking accounts”.
• The Response is Telling: A normal, non-destructive partner will readily offer the information (passwords, accounts) to calm anxiety and help the spouse. A partner who is hiding something will shame, accuse, gaslight, or make excuses, telling the victim they are “ridiculous” or “crazy” for asking. The partner’s reaction becomes the information—they are hiding what is on their phone or in the accounts.

The Path to Freedom: Strengthening Self and Setting Boundaries

If a woman realizes she is in a destructive cycle, the initial work is internal—building the strength to face the terrifying truth.

• Reorienting Identity: The core mistake taught in the church is becoming marriage-centered or husband-centered. The victim puts all their emotional well-being into their spouse’s hands, making them terrified of loss. She must reorient to be a God-centered woman, making God the source of her well-being.
• Refusing to Enable: True love seeks the highest good of the other person. If a partner is engaged in harmful behavior, the brave thing is to stop enabling it by keeping their secret. This may mean involving a counselor or the church to expose the unfruitful deeds of darkness.
• Seeking Professional Help: Finding a good Christian counselor who will simply say, “I believe you,” is vital, especially after being repeatedly gaslit. A counselor can help the victim process the experience and confirm that they are “not crazy”.
• Prioritizing Safety and Sanity: The victim must choose to say, “I’m no longer participating in that that way anymore”. This involves gaining the help and support needed to set boundaries, even if it means eventually leaving the destructive pattern.