How To Say “No” and Stop Rescuing Others | Therapy & Theology

The sources provide critical insights into the pervasive psychological trap known as the Rescuer role, often part of the Karpman Drama Triangle (Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor). While attempting to help others, the Rescuer often becomes emotionally exhausted and self-depleted. Overcoming this cycle requires recognizing the hidden payoffs of rescuing, setting firm boundaries, and prioritizing long-term spiritual health over immediate emotional gratification.

Identifying the Rescuer Role and Its Hidden Payoffs

The Rescuer is someone who constantly tries to fix or save others, often a sibling, friend, or partner, leading to deep emotional exhaustion.

1. The Rescuer’s Payoff and Fear: If you find yourself repeatedly attempting to rescue someone, work with a coach or counselor, or journal to identify your payoff. This payoff is often immediate and can confuse the long-term benefit that is necessary.

• Immediate Gratification: There is an immediate payoff, including a dopamine hit and serotonin release, that creates a false sense of success (“wow I’m okay and we made it through this one”).
• Preventing Loss: The payoff is often the feeling that “I won’t lose the relationship”.
• Avoiding Emotional Consequences: The Rescuer may also be motivated by the fear of facing the emotional distress and consequences on their own life if the person they are rescuing were to “hit bottom”. For the speaker, allowing a loved one to hit bottom would have unleashed consequences and created an even bigger problem in their own mind.

2. The Fear of Setting Boundaries: A major barrier to stopping the rescuing cycle is grief and fear. The fear is that by setting healthy boundaries and saying “no,” the other person will:

• Reject you or walk away from you.
• Talk behind your back or betray you.
• Blow you up on social media.

However, the sources stress that the fear is often realized because the type of person who reacts poorly to healthy boundaries is often the type of person who will eventually betray or reject you anyway.

The Danger of Hyperextension and Self-Betrayal

Constant rescuing, described as hyperextending yourself constantly, comes at a severe cost to the Rescuer’s well-being.

• Self-Depletion: Rescuing leads to a lack of self-care, self-awareness, and self-compassion. The speaker noted becoming so depleted that they were reduced to a “shell of a person” who was barely functioning.
• The Illusion of Control: The Rescuer develops the false thought that they “really could change this other person” or “fix” them by giving enough, serving enough, or praying enough. This leads to repeated attempts: “I’m just going to do it one more time”.
• Anger and Victimization: Emotional depletion can cause the Rescuer to become angry and react poorly to even simple requests from other people. Furthermore, by continuously allowing harmful situations to go on, the Rescuer gently “victimizes myself for what I tolerate”.