How to Accept a Future You Never Wanted

Acceptance is the ultimate cure for grief and the path to embracing a life that may feel messy, unpredictable, and unfair, especially after an unwanted divorce. The sources emphasize that achieving this state of acceptance is not a sign of resignation, but a powerful declaration to love one’s imperfect reality.

The journey to this profound acceptance requires walking through the necessary stages of grief, making peace with what is, what isn’t, and what remains unknown about the future.

Redefining Life After Loss

When a marriage ends, particularly through an unwanted divorce, the loss often carries unique burdens compared to the death of a spouse. While death comes with an established protocol (funerals, casseroles, sitting with the grieving), divorce lacks this social framework; the “world doesn’t pause”.

The grief associated with divorce is extensive, encompassing several types of loss:

• The Marriage and Relationships: The primary relationship loss and the ripple effect on other friendships.
• Macro and Micro Changes: Grieving the large, obvious change (no longer married) alongside the small, practical changes (who will mow the lawn, who will help with heavy furniture or daily tasks with the kids).
• The Anticipated Future: Grieving a future that was heavily weighted and stocked in one’s mind but will never happen. It means learning to live in “uncertainty,” walking toward a future that was never envisioned or wanted.

In this season, one may need to redefine what “normal” and “peace” mean.

The Framework for Acceptance: The Serenity Prayer

A guiding principle for moving toward acceptance is the Serenity Prayer, which offers a framework for distinguishing between controllable and uncontrollable factors. When praying this, individuals should seek:

• Serenity (Peace) to accept the things I cannot change.
• Courage to change the things I can change (e.g., working on forgiveness).
• Wisdom to know the difference.

A vital truth within this prayer is the recognition that the only person one can truly change is oneself.

The Five Stages of Grief: Moving Through the Cycle

The stages of grief, originally developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are meant to be categories to think in rather than rigorous doctrine. Grief is described as a friend, not an enemy, like a canoe guiding one down a river. Importantly, healing is not a linear process; grief often cycles around again due to triggers or anniversaries (“versies”), and this should not cause surprise.

The stages, which mirror the stages of healing, include:

1. Denial (Shattered Reality)

Denial is the initial shock and awe experienced when a shattered dream or reality hits. It is often misused when applied to addiction or toxic behavior (where rationalization is usually at play). For the speaker, denial manifested as resistance toward cooperating with the reality of divorce—struggling to say the word divorce, refusing to take off the wedding ring, or resisting checking the “divorced” box. Denial should not be avoided.

2. Anger and Depression

Anger can turn outward (being mad at God, people, or the injustice of it all) or inward. Anger turned inward, if not dealt with, is known as depression. The path through this murky water requires giving oneself permission to be mad. Suppressed anger and emotion (“what I suppress will later be expressed”) must be allowed to emerge.

3. Bargaining (Playing Chess with God)

Bargaining involves trying to make a deal, often rooted in retributional theology (“If I do this, good things will happen”). It is likened to playing chess with God. While bargaining often springs from good intentions—a desire to save the marriage or family—it is devastating when focused on things outside of one’s control, such as the other person’s repentance or willingness to change.

A crucial risk of bargaining is attaching one’s hope to external decisions. The Bible warns that “Hope deferred makes the heart sick,” leading to feelings of sinking and increased suffering.

Note: Anger and bargaining often dance together, flowing in and out of one another, rather than occurring linearly.

4. Acceptance (Commitment to Reality)

Acceptance is the final stage, marked by true grief and a sense of release. It requires a spiritual surrender, acknowledging, “Thy will be done”. Acceptance demands a “commitment to reality at all cost”. Resisting reality is described as a “feudal exercise” that will only “twist your life into a chokehold of hopelessness”.

The Necessity of Introducing Reality: Countering Romanticization

A key element of acceptance is avoiding the mental trap of romanticizing the past. People have a tendency to travel mentally back, maximizing the “little scraps of love” and minimizing the real hurt and heartbreak. This rewriting of history compounds the grief.

Healing requires introducing “doses of reality” to prevent romanticization. For instance, seeing a former spouse’s loving act (like folding towels) must be viewed through the lens of the reality of their behavior at the time (e.g., they may have been having an affair while folding them). This is not about “shopping for pain” or berating oneself, but about staying grounded in truth.