Am I Dealing With A Narcissistic Person?
Narcissism is a term widely used today, but sources emphasize the critical need to distinguish between common narcissistic tendencies and the severe, rare diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Understanding this spectrum is vital for setting boundaries and seeking clarity regarding complex relationships.
The Scope of Narcissism: From Sin to Clinical Disorder
It is important to heed the warning from experts: do not rush to label oneself or a spouse as a narcissist, as the term is frequently overused.
The Low Rate of NPD Diagnosis
Only a very low percentage of people diagnostically in America meet the criteria of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A true personality disorder, once diagnosed, is generally recognized as being very difficult, and some say impossible, to change.
The Universal Tendency Toward Self-Focus
The sources confirm that everyone has some level of narcissistic tendencies inside of them. This universal human condition is rooted in the theological concept of “the fall” described in Genesis 3. Theologians Martin Luther and John Calvin used the Latin phrase homo incurvetus in se, which translates to “humanity curved in upon itself”.
Prior to the fall, humans maintained an appropriate balance of self-love and God-love, acting as “fountains that poured out love and affection upon God”. However, after the fall, human hearts curved inward, leading to a natural tendency toward self-preservation and self-love. This universal tendency is what distinguishes minor selfish acts from a full-blown disorder.
The Narcissism Spectrum
Narcissistic behavior exists on a spectrum:
- Garden Variety Sin (Selfishness): This is the baseline level of self-focus that can be addressed through repentance.
- Narcissistic Tendencies/Traits: As the intensity increases, these traits require help and intervention.
- Full-Blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): This is a formal diagnosis involving a specific set of criteria.
- Sociopathy: NPD can potentially move even further down the spectrum into sociopathy.
Red Flags: Identifying Core Narcissistic Traits
A person exhibiting narcissistic traits or NPD will show certain characteristics, though the sources note that often, if a person asks, “Am I a narcissist?” with curiosity or humility, they usually are not, as a narcissist rarely exhibits that level of brokenness or self-reflection.
Key characteristics often displayed by narcissistic individuals include:
1. Grandiosity
Narcissists exhibit an exaggerated sense of self-importance. This can manifest as:
- Bragging and Self-Worship: Constantly referencing past achievements or “press clippings” (“Look at me, look what I’ve done”).
- “Take Over the Room” Presence: Walking in and immediately wanting to dominate the environment.
- The “Oneupper”: In conversation, they engage in a “seesaw effect”. If someone shares a story, the narcissist immediately claims to have a bigger, better, or more tragic experience to push the other person down, even creatively. They view themselves as an “emperor” who often “has no clothes”.
2. Lack of Empathy and Entitlement
Narcissists do not do empathy. They possess a massive sense of entitlement and will exploit people for their own cause. They ultimately move toward their reflection, seeking the adoration of the mirror (“Aren’t I something?”).
3. Supply and Seduction (The Dracula Effect)
A narcissist must have a “supply” to survive, likened metaphorically to Dracula. They seek people who will worship, adore, and be fond of them. They often seek an empath, someone who has lost their own identity and readily affirms the narcissist’s greatness.
To secure this supply, they may be seductive:
- Conditional Kindness: They can be kind, bless others, or offer gifts and generosity.
- Quid Pro Quo: This generosity is transactional—a “quid pro quo” or “tit for tat”. They expect the recipient to forever owe them something, viewing the relationship as a privilege (“You always need to realize you’re the lucky one”).
4. The Quick Flip and Scorched Earth
The kindness is quickly withdrawn the moment the supply is threatened. If a person says “no,” refuses to be their supply, or points out their flaws (“the emperor’s new clothes”), the narcissist will “flip pretty bad”. They often employ a “scorched earth policy” after a person attempts to detach or ceases to co-sign their behavior. The only way to get back into their good graces is typically by “worshiping” or making amends.
5. Envy and Covert Behavior
Narcissists envy other people and cannot tolerate others “stealing their thunder” or receiving attention. They feel they must be the star of the show, often rooted in a wound they experienced around the age of four.
It is also noted that narcissistic behavior is not always external. Covert narcissism exists, which can be particularly “scary”.