Part Two: Reacting to the Top Moments From Therapy & Theology Season 8
The sources offer a deep exploration of two pervasive struggles: narcissistic tendencies and addiction, arguing that both stem from internal voids, particularly shame, and require deliberate self-awareness and spiritual filling to overcome. Moving past surface-level behaviors like pride or compulsive actions and addressing the root cause is essential for achieving wholeness, health, and yieldedness to Jesus.
The Root of Narcissism: Shame, Not Pride
A common misunderstanding is that the root of narcissism is pride, but the sources clarify that the root is actually shame that pride helps to cover up.
Narcissistic Wounds and Development
Narcissistic tendencies often arise from deep-seated wounding experienced at some point in life. This wound can be so sensitive that the individual cannot let people get close to it and may only reveal part of the story about what happened.
Wounds that lead to narcissism can include:
- Experiencing a major abandonment (such as divorce or a parent leaving) or sexual abuse.
- Having a narcissistic parent.
- Being over-affirmed and over-praised in a culture where excessive affirmation (“you are the best,” “you will grow up to be president”) leads to “little narcissists running around”. The sources note that not everyone deserves a trophy in every league.
- Struggling to believe a lie that turned into a liability.
Distinguishing Narcissism from Healthy Self-Esteem
It is important to distinguish between narcissistic behavior and healthy self-esteem.
- Self-Efficacy and Esteem: Healthy self-esteem involves recognizing, “I see the value in myself and I see the value of others”. This healthy place ensures that the believer is intentionally edifying the value seen in themselves and others.
- Narcissistic Outlook: A narcissistic outlook is characterized by the belief that “My value is greater than the value of others around me”.
The Test of Self-Examination
Everyone has narcissistic tendencies. However, the crucial indicator of whether a person is genuinely struggling with narcissistic behavior or simply having normal human reactions is their willingness to question themselves.
- The Difference Maker: A true narcissist will never ask, “Am I a narcissist?” or “Am I the problem?” because they assume they are not.
- A Healthy Sign: If you are asking, “Am I a bad friend, am I a bad mom, am I a bad coworker?” or “Am I the bad guy here?” the fact that you care and are asking means you are “probably okay”.
The Pathway to Compassion and Freedom
Understanding that the root of narcissism is shame allows for compassion for those struggling with these tendencies.
- Shame is Self-Hatred: Shame is defined as “self-hatred at my expense”. When viewing pride, whether in oneself or others, it is beneficial to pause and ask, “What shame am I trying to cover up?”.
- Reframing the Narrative: This reframing “humanizes the situation”. Instead of viewing the struggle as an unbreakable “brick wall of pride”, compassion is the key to helping the person understand that the goal is not to judge or further isolate them.
- The Freedom of Truth: Freedom begins by identifying narcissistic things in oneself, taking a look in the mirror, and starting to speak the “truth of God’s word over yourself to help flip the script”.